We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
