that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
