apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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