this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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