Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
