Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
