one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
