I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
