so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
