Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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