I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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