I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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