im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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