someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
