My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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