Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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