she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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