So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm passing your future prison.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
