I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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