I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
