I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
