Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
