So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
