I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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