I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
