It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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