My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
