I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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