Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
