I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
