Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
