first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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