whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Can Purell be used as lube?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
