i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
