So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
