You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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