I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
my poor anus
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
