Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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