he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
