that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
