Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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