if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
