I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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