too bad you live with your parents still
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
