I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
