I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
