I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
it hurts more in the daytime
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
