a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The air taste purple.
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