my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
