i think my mom watched the whole time
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize
