I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
